


Her heart must let him go

by Marioli



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:47:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marioli/pseuds/Marioli
Summary: One-shot that happens after the teaser in the end of ACOFAS.Nesta's reaction to her banishment and her thoughts about herself. How she finds one ally to help her escape the Night Court and teach her about her powers."I know I gave up on you, Cassian - she continued - but you gave up on me too".
Relationships: Feyre Archeron & Nesta Archeron, Nesta Archeron/Cassian, Nesta Archeron/Other(s)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 73





	Her heart must let him go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello ! This is the first fanfic I ever wrote. I apologize for the grammar errors... english is not my native language. But I tried my best ! Nesta will be forever in my heart, and she deserves happiness and understanding. I hope she can find it.

Nesta stared at the wall, gazing, but not seeing at all.

She sat on the armchair of her filthy apartment, wearing the same dress she used the day before. The day she discovered her future in the Illyrian Mountains. She didn’t bother changing her clothes, or taking off her dirty shoes.

She drank directly from the whiskey bottle, not caring to take a glass. She wasn’t sure what time of the day it was. All the windows were closed, and the room, filled with darkness and cold. The silence hovered heavy on her ears. It felt like all the world was on mute.

Her head was spinning and she felt nauseous. Maybe she exaggerated on the amount of alcohol she consumed since her arrival at home. It could also be the lack of food in her stomach. It has been 3 days since she last ate. Or possibly more... she can’t remember. She is never hungry. Food lost its taste. Nesta knows that she is too thin, too angular. She is not dumb, and there is a mirror in her bathroom. Even if sometimes she avoids her reflection. Everything she was, now resumed in a pile of bones and void. _It is adequate_ , she thinks. She means nothing to her family. She means nothing to herself. Just a burden. So, why should she eat? There is no reason to keep her body alive. Better to just vanish.

In 2 days, everything she knows will be left behind. Rhysand and Feyre will winnow her to Windhaven camp. Probably Cassian was already there, preparing everything for her arrival. She wondered how he would persuade the Lord of Camp, Devlon, to accept her there. Illyrians believed Nesta was dangerous, a witch with powerful spells. She was not that person anymore. She had the power, hidden somewhere inside her bones, running through her veins, yelling at her. However, her spirit was long gone. Her rage, vanished. Her cunning mind, diminished.

They thought she would be furious with the banishment.

They were prepared to everything, but not her vacuous reaction.

\-----

“You are coming with me to the Illyrian Mountains”

The room felt silent. She sensed all eyes on her, but Nesta just stared at her feet. Studying the stale wine stain that covered her shoes, feeling the numbness taking over her. A burden, indeed.

They wanted her far away from their happy place. Probably she deserved it. But it still hurts. Nesta wish that it didn’t hurt that much. She can feel it like an arrow piercing what is left of her heart. _Pain is good_ , she tells herself. Pain makes you stronger, is what people say. The point is that Nesta doesn’t know how much longer she can endure it.

Nesta knew what reactions outcropped with her presence. When she entered the room where they were, there was only silence. People looked anywhere but at her, feeling uncomfortable. At some point, someone would start a meaningless conversation, trying to reach again for that sense of normality before her arrival. She was a black hole in their city of starlight. She could not fit in the frame they put her. Amren was right about that.

The damned power inside of her wanted to get out. She dogged her fingernails into her palms, spilling drops of blood on her dress. _Control it_.

Amren clicked her tongue. Nesta felt Rhysand staring at her, probably sensing her power, concerned about the safety of his mate. _Disgusting_. She would never harm Feyre.

“Everything will be prepared for your arrival” Cassian continued, voice concerned “We want you to have… good experiences there, Nesta. We could find you a job, if that is what you want. You can train with me or with the illyrians girls. You choose it. The mountain air is always refreshing, somehow. There are..”

She raised her head to at him abruptly. He must have seen something deep and dark in her eyes, because he stopped talking.

She never touched that _thing_ again. Just on the moment she saved his life from the Cauldron, screaming his name with her voice and soul on that gory battlefield. Nesta could not tolerate the idea of touching it. However, in that moment, she used it- their _bond_. One last time.

She tugged at it, and whispered to that bridge that connected them: _Why are you doing this to me, Cassian ?_ She showed him the day when he left her hand as Morrigan approached; remembered their almost death and his promises of love; and then, his absence, his harsh words - y _our sisters love you. I can’t for the life of me understand why, but they do_.

His face paled, his hands were shaking while he held his chest, his eyes widened.

_I know I gave up on you, Cassian_ \- she continued - _but you gave up on me too_.

She closed that bridge with high walls made of steel and thorns. She did not look at him again, but Nesta heard his rough voice whispering her name. It was too late now.

Feyre began speaking. “Nesta, please, this is best for you right now. You will not be able to heal in Velaris. The way you are coping with your feelings is destroying y…”

“When do I leave?” She asked, watching her broken hearted sister.

“You have 3 days” the High Lord said. Everytime Rhysand talked, she felt like he was somehow mocking her. Feyre tensed while he spoke, afraid that he would subdue her again. But he didn’t.

“You can get everything you want, Nesta. We can buy wharever you need to be comfortable there” Feyre explained “I just… I can’t watch you vanish like this”.

Her power screamed at her, searching for release. She would not allow them to see her weakness, not anymore. She had to leave _now_. Arguing wouldn’t change their minds.

Nesta stood up and bowed deeply before her sister. “As you wish, High Lady” she murmured with a flat and cold voice, and headed to the threshold of the room. “I am used to being unwanted”

The last thing she saw as she left was her sister’s eyes lined with tears. She heard someone trying to follow her, but Amren interrupted “Let her be alone. At least for the remaining free days she has”.

\-----

Back to her apartment, Nesta drank a big sip from the bottle, its contents leaking from the corners of her mouth, descending to her neck and breasts.

Elain came for her, after the encounter on the Riverside State. She knocked on the door for at least 1 hour, pleading Nesta to talk to her, yell at her, anything. Saying that she didn’t knew what Feyre and the others were planning. Telling her that Cassian was inconsolable. Nesta laughed wryly. Was _he_ inconsolable? And what about her? Anyway, it was a lie. She knew that Elain would babble tirelessly when nervous.

In the past – in her other life- Nesta would not hesitate for one second, and would open the door for her beloved sister. Now, things were different. She knew that Elain was happier without her. She was not… needed anymore. Elain found joy, safety and friends in this place. Nesta did not want to ruin that more than she already did. So she ignored her. Nevertheless, it broke her heart a little bit more.

After some time Elain left, Nesta felt the slumber approaching her.

She received it with open arms.

\-----

When she opened her eyes, there was only dark.

Where was she ?

It just took a few seconds to adapt her eyes to the dim light. She looked around, noticing that the place she stood was a forest. She was surrounded by huge pine and oak trees. The tree tops were so wide that she could barely see the sky –starless, only a beautiful full moon decorating it as a sea pearl. The diameter of the tree trunks was the biggest she had ever seen. Thinking for a moment, she realized that she remembered this place. Had seen it many times before, in her dreams – when the alcohol didnt blur her mind to total oblivion.

Suddenly, she heard a melodic feminine voice singing in the distance. The lyrical melody filled with sorrow and solitude made Nesta flinch. She couldn’t understand that language, but she could feel the emotion.

She followed that voice, feeling like the ancient trees were watching her. After all, she was a intruder in that place. The song led her to a massive lake. It was so large that she could not see its opposite bank. Its calm and dark waters reminded her the Cauldron. She stepped back immediately, but the fireflies dancing and buzzing before her showed that it was just a normal lake. That hideous metal tub was far way, out of reach. And she was dreaming. There was no threat.

The chant stopped abruptly. The fireflies disappeared in a blink. There was only silence. It made her shiver. Looking foward, she saw something swimming to her.

No... It was a man, walking...above water.

_What?_

He wore a black cloak that flicked while he floated. As he approached, Nesta saw his features.

He was tall and had defined muscles, with a slender form. His pale skin resembled hers. His long black hair felt to his waist, shinning in the moonlight. But what caught her attention were his eyes. She shuddered, because those eyes could not belong to humans or faes. They carried the weight and the experience of hundreds...or thousands of years. Their color was fantastic, if not scary - goldish-yellow. She could feel his power in the air, taste it in her mouth.

He stopped by the margin of the river, studying her... Some part of her screamed to run, that he was dangerous. But the other part of her whispered … _freedom_.

“So... we finally meet, Nesta Archeron” His voice was deep and hoarse. He surveyed her from head to toe, eyes gleaming. She felt like she was the feast and he was a ravenous soldier coming from endless days of cold and hunger. She knew her body was not attractive – at least not anymore. So why did he look at her like that?

“Who told you that this is my name?”

“The wind and the ocean whispered to me about you. I know a lot of things from you, others than your name, Nesta”. Walking around her, he murmured “I have many messengers under my control, dead and alive. I heard about you the very first moment you stepped out of the Cauldron. I felt when you took power from it, ripping it with your bare hands. I rejoiced, because I knew that my time as a prisioner was coming to an end”.

‘’What are you talking about ? Who are you?’’ She was scared, and she hated that part of her that still wanted to be safe, away from danger. Trying to keep her useless life. Nesta remembered – this is only a dream. Even so, she was searching for one way out, looking for an escape. He was dangerous. She could feel it in her bones.

‘’Don’t even bother trying. I could reach you in between a blink of your eyes... understand, Nesta, that I am not here to threaten you, or hurt you” he said, walking around her “I can’t put into words my real name, but in this world they call me Koschei. You met my twin brothers in the war...” he smiled “they are known as The Bone carver and Stryga”.

Nesta froze. She had seen what Stryga and the Bone Carver did on that battlefield. She knew their power had nothing to do with the High Fae or the courts of Prythian... they were ancient gods. That meant that… _she had a god before her eyes_.

And she believed in it. She saw that he was different.

Nesta almost laughed at the madness of this encounter.

“What about me? Where am I? I thought I was at my apartme..”

‘’Your body is still lying on the armchair of your home in the Night Court” he interrupted her, with a crooked smile “I just fear that your bottle of whiskey fell to the floor.Your soul is here with me, in the Continent. This lake is the place where I was imprisoned, and where I have lived for the last hundreds and hundreds of years”. Rage filled his face, and disappeared in a blink.

“I don’t understand why I was summoned here. Are you looking for a shoulder to cry?” _Mocking an enraged god is not wise_ , her conscience whispered to her. Nevertheless, if he decided to destroy her, it would be a blessing.

But he just watched her, something like … anger on his features. He shook his head in disbelief.

“What have they done to you, Nesta Archeron?” Koschei asked her “I studied you since the moment you were made by the Cauldron. I saw your rage, boilling everyone and everything that came too close.” His long strides magnetized her. She felt naked before his eyes. “I recognized your wisdom on the High Lords meeting, saw how fearless you were on the battle, when you tried to protect that useless bat” He kept saying.

“Stop it”she said, her voice failing her.

“I felt how you suffered when your father died. And that you mourned his loss every day since, even if you hated him to your core”.

“Shut the fuck up, you bastard. Enough” Nesta felt her power awakening, struggling to get free. She suppressed it the best way she could -poorly. She breathed in shallow gasps, her chest squeezed by an invisible hand. _Control it, don’t feel_ , she repeated inside her head. But this battle was already lost.

Nesta saw that he pitied her, and she hated it. But what she hated the most was herself.

“I watched you destroy yourself, drinking and fucking to oblivion. I wanted to reach you, but you would not listen to me. However, I was there, Nesta. When you cried after your fight with that death angel on the Summer Party, when your dread of the bathtub suffocated you”

“ENOUGH”

“When your dear sister Feyre let you rot on sorrow. When that immature High Lord and his silly band humiliated you. When your mate did nothing but being ashamed of you. Promising you things he was never willing to accomplish...”

Her heart ached like never before at those words. She couldn’t control it anymore. Her power erupted, and it was a relief and a curse. White magic that cumulated inside her for months stormed out of her like a lightning, hitting her target. A boom echoed so loud that it hurt her ears. Her loose hair flied around her head with the force of the impact. After its release, she was terrified. She killed him.

_No, no, no. No more deaths…_

However, she saw some movement. Koschei was walking to her, intact and even more hypnotizing than before. Her power bowed to him, swirling around his ankles and shoulders. He propably saw her disbelief, because he spoke:

“Our power is the same, Nesta Archeron. It won’t hurt me. And I know injuring me was never your intention”. He approached her, stopping mere inches before her body. She looked up to meet his eyes. In other circumstances, she would never allow such proximity. Yet, she didn’t find the force to fight him. She did not want to fight him.

His eyes surveyed her face. His lips parted slightly. Her cheeks and chest blushed when he caught her hand in his large one. It was cold, like a dead man’s hand. In that moment, she understood what kind of power he had. _Death_.

“It was never my intention to hurt you more, or to open the wound you were trying to heal” he said softly. “I need you to see that you made bad attitudes towards that deplorable Inner Circle... but the way they treated you, is even worse”.

“You don’t know what you are talking about. ” But deep inside, Nesta wishes she could believe what he said. That the blame was on everyone, and not only on her. She wanted to believe that she did everything she could for them. That in the past, she wasn’t useless.

She gave her house for the meetings with the Mortal Queens, sent those letters, defended her people on the High Lords meeting, tried to help on the war the best way she could – even if it wasn’t enough. After she was broken, she kept her distance. On her own behalf, but also on her sisters. She did not want to be an inconvenience for them. She knew her attitudes would shame them… even if it was what she needed at the moment. So, she did what she does best: staying away.

But she also knew that her personality, her walls and her rudeness made them treat her that way. Her self-destructive manners of coping were not pleasant for Elain’s and Feyre’s family. And Nesta realized that she was not their family anymore. They didn’t need or want her. And at that moment, being held by an ancient god of death, she questioned - why would she stay? Why would she go to the Illyrians Mountains? Her presence would only cause more pain, for Nesta, Feyre, Elain and… Cassian.

His relationship with Morrigan was so easy, happy… full of laughs and pleasure. She wasn’t like that. She could not be that open to someone.

When Cassian was with Morrigan, he looked relaxed, filled with joy. With Nesta, there was tension, anger, deception. Their bond was not a bridge, like she thought, but a shackle. It would cage him.

She knew what she had to do. The truth hit her like a comet.

Nesta decided to let him go. Her heart must let him go.

It was too late for them. Her relationship with all of them was too broken. She could not mend it. At least, not so soon. She wanted to forget everything. To escape.

“I need to leave” she said to Koschei “I have to leave the Night Court”.

“Yes, you do”.

“I have nowhere to go. Hybern destroyed our house in the human lands” and besides, she had no money of her own. She never worked, never needed to.

“Come to the Continent. Come to live with me” he suggested “You will be welcome”.

“Replacing one prison cell for another in the Continent?”

“You are not my prisoner, Nesta”

“Why do you want to help me?”

“You don’t have control over your powers. You have never trained, never shared any information about them. And I do not blame you for that, given the circumstances. You know what your power is” He didn’t need to say it. She knew. And regretted with every fiber in her body the day she stole it from the Cauldron. Death.

So she just nodded.

Koschei kept going “And it will destroy you and people that are around you, if you can’t control it”.

That was her worst nightmare. Killing innocent people.

“I can teach you how to use it. Understand, Nesta, that death is not the villain all the time. Death can be cruel and ruthless, like it was on the war. But it can also be gentle, when an old lady dies in her sleep, dreaming. Death can be a relief, when someone is suffering with a painful disease that has no cure. Death can be unselfish, when a mother exchanges her life for the life of her child on birth. And finally, it can be a warm embrace for someone who is waiting for their beloved on the other world. There is so much to learn about it. Allow me to show you”.

“What is the price?” Nesta asked, looking into his golden eyes. Somehow, his presence made her feel less…hollow. And she wanted to learn. She always had interest in learning things.

“You will have the freedom you wish. I will give you lessons, food, shelter, and I won’t charge you for it. You will not be caged” he explained “In return, I need your help to get free, to break this malediction that keeps me confined. With our powers combined, we could do it”.

“And should I set you free to kill innocents and feast on this world once more? I am certain you were imprisoned for some reason that wasn’t for your beauty sleep or retirement”.

A shadow crossed through his eyes, and Nesta felt a cold shiver in her lower back. His grip on her hand tightened, almost hurting her.

“Indeed” he said, with a hard and flat voice “I am the ancient god who feeds on fear and blood. And I can’t change what I am, like you cannot change what you are, ”.He said, wryly. “Hear me out, woman” _woman_ , not female… “I don’t pretend to stay on this world anymore. My informers assured me that the passage who links all the worlds, which was locked since I arrived here, thousands of years ago, reopened. When your little friend emerged from the Cauldron in her natural form.” Amren. He was talking about Amren. Who used to be her friend, but also a death angel from another era.

“Let me go !” She pulled her hand, escaping his grip.

After her outburst, he got himself together, controlling his emotions. He apologized, and waited for her to link the dots.

“So… this means that other creatures can come through it, and come here”. Nesta said. It was not a question.

Koschei nodded.

“With your power and mine, we will learn how to break the curse that is upon me. I will return to my dimension, and close the gates”.

“Why would you want to help us?” Nesta asked.

“I am not only a monster, even if it looks like. I thought that, from all people, you would comprehend that” he answered “and I helped your people before, allowing the fire bird to go and enjoy her freedom for some time”. Her eyes widened. So he was the powerful sorcerer that bewitched Vassa. That meant that… he knew her father. Discovering it felt like a punch on the gut.

“Believe me, I am not doing this only for you and your people. I am doing this for myself too. It fits my interest”. Koschei continued.

She knew he was dangerous. That he could hurt her. But she had nothing else to lose. And if it was true, the open gates could bring hideous monsters… and she would not allow it. No more blood, no more deaths.

Nesta made her choice.

“I will help you, Koschei, But you must promise one more thing to me” she said with all the courage she could conjure. “ You will teach me. You won’t hurt anyone from this world and you will free Vassa. Immediately. Then, I will be yours to use. This is my condition”.

He gave her a dry laugh. “I didn’t know you like her so much” he said. She didn’t. Nesta just saw Vassa once. But she could help her. Nesta could make someone happy, and that was a new thing for her.

She just stared at him.

“So, do we have a deal?”

“Yes, we do”

He answered. Suddenly, her arm was burning. She screamed, raising her sleeve to see a burnt symbol on her forearm, next to her elbow, marching her silky skin. The smell of burnt flesh made her sick.

“This represents our deal” he said, showing the same mark on his forearm.

“What does it mean?” she asked, analyzing the foreign language.

“You will have to discover by yourself"

He finally said

“Now, you must leave. Pack the necessary things for your trip. Leave the city at night. My minions will mask your escape and help you through your journey”. He took a lock of her hair between his fingers, brushing it carefully “I will come to you in your dreams”.

She looked at his lips, and then he was gone.

\-----

Nesta woke up with a jump. Back to her apartment.

What the fuck happened?

Her bottle was indeed shattered on the floor, its contents soaking the wood. She quickly raised her sleeve again. The mark was there. Just a delicate scar. So… it was real. She stared the ceiling.

She would run from everything she knew. From everyone. Nesta smiled briefly, the first one in months.

She wanted to escape, more than anything. And she would. She had a purpose again. Nesta understood that it would take a long time for her to heal. And for that, she needed to take the first step. So she did.

She got up, smashing the glass under her shoes, and went to her bedroom. Opened her window. The twilight painted the sky with beautiful colors.

Nesta took a bath – even if bathub still scared her - and putted on her most comfortable and practical dress – she still had her Illyrian leathers, but she would not wear them one more minute of her life- and wore warm boots. Packed on a bag everything she considered necessary: wool socks, one thick coat, the scarf which Elain gifted her, one kitchen knife, the money Feyre gave her, some canned food and a bottle of licor. Actually, two bottles.

By that time, the stars where shining beautifully on the sky, and she heard Velaris coming alive. Children laughed, people danced on the street. She was glad that this people found their peace in this place. She knew it was a good place to live.

By this time, on the next day, the Inner Circle would discover that she left, like the coward she was. Cassian…

_No !_

_It is over. He is better without me. I only cause him pain._

She kept repeating that on her mind, like a mantra. It was time to go.

Should she leave a letter? No… Nesta hated goodbyes. But she still couldn’t leave without one word to Elain. Her dear Elain.

Searching between one of her books pages, she found what she was looking for. It was a pressed and dried flower, one delicate red tulip. Elain made that for her when there was only the two of them, living in the manor Tamlim presented them.

It was a beautiful afternoon, the sun touching theirs cheeks, the birds singing. Nesta was reading and watching Elain tending to her garden. She thought Feyre was safe, enjoying her love on the Spring Court. She didn’t know that her world would be destroyed in so little time. Maybe that was the last moment she really felt happy and safe. Elain appeared in front of her, presenting her with that flower. _You can use it to mark the page you stopped reading_ , she said. It was the best gift she received.

Nesta put the flower on top of the kitchen table, where anyone could see it. She knew Elain would understand her message. _I love you_.

On the threshold of her apartment door, Nesta watched her home. This place was important to her, even if it reminded her some bad times. It was the only thing she could call her own. She whispered thank you for her house, turned away and closed her four locks one last time.

And in that moment, she felt something she hadn't experienced for a long time ... hope.

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr is @pizzaneverdisappoints.   
> I hope you liked it !!!


End file.
